i can't even pretend to know/oh no oh no/i let it go/
the way i've never let anything go before/i never let it go/
from snow on snow/heavy water coloured white/the flake that breaks/
the load/the drop that fills the bowl/the point at which/
click/we reach boiling/i never let it go before

i'm so mad/i could/eat the whole earth/eat the stars/eat the moon/
and set myself aflame/i could/fit it all inside the empty/i could/
burn on all my hatred just as good as any gasoline/my fury like wax/
melting and contorting me/till i am burnt out/gone/ earth, moon and stars
along with me.

i'd cry a well/ocean/well well well/three holes/you choose which one/
i won't say no/but i won't say yes/and i'll wonder all along/if i needed
that ocean/since my well was dry/oh my oh my/cry me an ocean/cos my
ocean tastes like tears/tastes like you/was never good enough/will never
be good enough.

i'm sorry.

sorry, sorry, sorry/i like the feel of crimson/and i can't help that it
get so hot/i can't help it.

i woke up at 5.59am/the forecast for 6am was heavy snow/
the forecast said heavy drifts/i can sleep inside the drifts/
snowflakes made from a cold so cold/it's like needles/
today i mean to be tattooed/my bones sticking through skin/
made from ice/ by 7am it's heavy rainfall/but i'm already soaked/
skin like awning collecting water on it's wide canvas/a heaped
puddle so deep/it's groaning/it never did snow/i never did get
a bloodless pile of bones/the water is insistant/i told you/
i told you/the forecast at 6.45am was only sleet

Exhaustion

I was with you because I was exhausted;

Every inch of my body,

Every second of my time

Was taken up with it.

It was a full-time occupation,

Moving about with heavy bones, heavy limbs and heavier heart-

I had to devote myself.

I stared a lot at train tracks and out of train windows,

Lulling myself, letting myself get carried away

In the swiftness of it all, whilst I was so still

Not so very different from a statue.

I used to believe that if I was still enough,

If not a single inch of me moved,

Not a flutter of eyelash, not a stray spasm of the limb,

Not a breeze through my hair, not a nervous twitch,

No expression on my face, no shift to a more comfortable position,

No reaction to anything at all,

If I was only still enough;

I’d disappear.

But I forgot that my insides could not be still;

Even when I held my breath for minutes at a time

To prevent the steady rise and fall of my chest,

My heart kept beating, blood through my veins,

Stomach rumbling…everything like clockwork.

There is no way to be entirely still…

But that’s what I did-

I lay still whilst you did it,

Pretended to disappear.

But I couldn’t be still because you kept moving, moving, moving,

Inside of me like an invasion,

Like a weapon, like you were hurting,

Like you hurt me,

Like why did you hurt me?

Like why were you angry?

Like an awful disembodied object,

Like this could not be you, it couldn’t

Like this couldn’t be love, could it?

It was hard to stay still but I tried my best.

I was already so exhausted;

I couldn’t be angry, not like you were…

I loved you like my heart palpitations,

Probably more than that.

I loved you like splintered glass, dropped from a height,

Shards embedded everywhere, in every part of me,

I still find parts, sometimes;

So deep I hardly knew they were there.

The one thing I learnt from you is that it’s impossible to disappear.

Completely impossible.

I told you...

I told you I’d been hurt,

Through the heady haze of inebriation;

And your fingers brushed over my hand.

A few weeks ago he told me

That he’d found someone else,

Because I wasn’t capable of love.

It was like a window pane had been shattered

And the sharp edges somehow found their way

Into my heart

As though my blood came in waves and left them behind as debris.

But that wasn’t what I told you.

I told you that a lot of the time…things weren’t consensual.

It felt like rushing wind around my ears to hear myself say the words,

And I couldn’t say more because the words were like salt granules;

They kept on falling onto my open wounds and it stung like an innocent bumblebee stings

Because it doesn’t know any better.

Later, as you fingers touched me lower down,

Feeling the wetness between my thighs,

I moaned and tried to forget that anything else existed,

Or had ever existed.

I tried to forget that anyone else had ever touched me.

I tried to forget that anyone else had ever wanted to.

I tried to forget that that choice was not always my own.

I tried to forget about the invasion of self

That had been happening since I was a young girl

Before I understood what it meant.

When the boys would touch me and laugh

And I didn’t have the right to feel violated.

I kissed you again and again,

And I knew exactly what I had to do

To make you happy.

You said I was drunk,

We shouldn’t rush things.

But I like to rush, like to go so fast I don’t have time to think,

And lose my mind completely, let my body take over and be in and of itself for once,

The only thing that really matters, in the same way it is seen by everyone else.

My body is me, fundamentally,

Public property,

All that you’ll ever see,

All that I’ll ever be.

I told you I’d been hurt

And you brushed my hair away from my face

And kissed me.

And I didn’t know what to think.

Finding Things

I found you the way I

Find things on my floor;

Sifting through,

Picking up at random,

Till I fix upon a useful item-

Sometimes forgetting whether or not

It was what I was looking for.

I loved you the way

Boiling water creates steam;

Inevitably,

Predictably,

Without a second thought-

A by-product of you wanting me first

And me needing to be wanted.

I trusted you the way I

Trust a power supply;

Unconditionally,

Expectantly,

Even if you broke down-

I knew you’d be back up again,

This western world system causes complacency.

I needed you the way

An umbrella needs rain;

Undoubtedly,

Quite desperately,

My very purpose depending upon

The rain that you created

To serve my self-defined, true purpose.  

I let you the way I

Let weather pull at me;

Tugging and pushing,

Invading and insisting,

Yet clearly natural and unavoidable,

A part of life I must accept-

You were both a storm and a sunny day.

I stayed with you the way

A knife stays with a fork;

Co-dependent,

Socially acceptable,

Unable to be thought of as separate-

Used together in unison,

Redundant if not with you at all.

You hurt me the way

Squash mixes with water,

Slowly,

Completely,

Entirely permeating every part,

Of everything I was or could be-

Polluting me to my very core.

I fell down the way a

Tacked on poster falls from the wall;

All at once,

Without warning,

The signs only there upon

More careful observation,

Causing great alarm at my suddenness.

I left you the way that

Ice starts to crack,

Violently,

Loudly,

Looking as though it wasn’t-

But being the natural course;

I meant to leave you all along.

Protect

I wish I could protect you

From all the cunts that think

It’s okay because you’re drunk

And wearing a tight, short dress

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunts who think

It’s okay because you said

You’d have a drink with them

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunt who thinks

It’s okay because you did it

A few hundred times before

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunts who told you

It was okay because you were drunk

And he couldn’t have known

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunt who told you

It was okay because you led him on

And shouldn’t speak to strangers

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunts who told you

It was okay because he loved you

And you loved him

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From the cunts who now tell you

It must be something about you

But I can’t.

I wish I could protect you

From this world that’s blaming you

And not the cunts

But I can’t.

They’re doing the same to me, too. 

Inside/Outside

There I go again!

Getting confused,

About what’s in my head;

And what’s outside of it.

Seed of an idea in my brain-

Should I get it surgically removed? Is that the answer?

In my brain, in my brain,

The physical location.

In my mind, in my mind,

The metaphysical location.

How do I tell the difference?

Do I keep my thoughts inside or outside?

Do they exist until I voice or act upon them,

Or are they in a void that doesn’t mean anything?

I imagine them part of an inky black universe, little fireflies flitting about;

I catch them one by one and they come to life as I:

Put the kettle on, discuss God, kiss you on the lips…

My mouth is a net to catch and swallow, my fingers hooks, my legs anchors-

Adrift in the sea of the abstract, are all the things I’ve ever thought, will think or can think.

Capture inspiration, make it real!

My body is entirely outside, I suppose anyone can see;

I just get confused because my heart beats and blood flows and it feels like part of me;

But they aren’t made of the same stuff as love, joy, sadness, despair,

They are merely affected by it.

There’s no way to fully express things that come from the void, the sea,

Those little fireflies go out, diminish the moment I catch them.

What hope do I have, between two worlds?

I can feel, and there is reconciliation as I touch my heart to show that it hurts,

As I shed tears to show I am overwhelmed,

As I run away to show that I am afraid,

As I touch you softly to show that I care,

As I repeat what you say to show that I listen,

All is empty without illustration.

For what is the use of love if no-one ever knows it?

If you keep it, cherish it in your special sea-like void,

With all the other ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams-

It’ll get lost there

And you’ll forget how to find it again someday.

I try to catch every firefly and write its soft, humming story down

It’s impossible, but I try to listen

As its light slowly goes out I try to make it real on the outside.

I try to make the inside real on the outside.

Make the inside real on the outside.

Inside real on the outside.

Real on the outside.

On the outside.

The outside.

Outside.