i can't even pretend to know/oh no oh no/i let it go/
the way i've never let anything go before/i never let it go/
from snow on snow/heavy water coloured white/the flake that breaks/
the load/the drop that fills the bowl/the point at which/
click/we reach boiling/i never let it go before

i'm so mad/i could/eat the whole earth/eat the stars/eat the moon/
and set myself aflame/i could/fit it all inside the empty/i could/
burn on all my hatred just as good as any gasoline/my fury like wax/
melting and contorting me/till i am burnt out/gone/ earth, moon and stars
along with me.

i'd cry a well/ocean/well well well/three holes/you choose which one/
i won't say no/but i won't say yes/and i'll wonder all along/if i needed
that ocean/since my well was dry/oh my oh my/cry me an ocean/cos my
ocean tastes like tears/tastes like you/was never good enough/will never
be good enough.

i'm sorry.

sorry, sorry, sorry/i like the feel of crimson/and i can't help that it
get so hot/i can't help it.

i woke up at 5.59am/the forecast for 6am was heavy snow/
the forecast said heavy drifts/i can sleep inside the drifts/
snowflakes made from a cold so cold/it's like needles/
today i mean to be tattooed/my bones sticking through skin/
made from ice/ by 7am it's heavy rainfall/but i'm already soaked/
skin like awning collecting water on it's wide canvas/a heaped
puddle so deep/it's groaning/it never did snow/i never did get
a bloodless pile of bones/the water is insistant/i told you/
i told you/the forecast at 6.45am was only sleet

Exhaustion

I was with you because I was exhausted;

Every inch of my body,

Every second of my time

Was taken up with it.

It was a full-time occupation,

Moving about with heavy bones, heavy limbs and heavier heart-

I had to devote myself.

I stared a lot at train tracks and out of train windows,

Lulling myself, letting myself get carried away

In the swiftness of it all, whilst I was so still

Not so very different from a statue.

I used to believe that if I was still enough,

If not a single inch of me moved,

Not a flutter of eyelash, not a stray spasm of the limb,

Not a breeze through my hair, not a nervous twitch,

No expression on my face, no shift to a more comfortable position,

No reaction to anything at all,

If I was only still enough;

I’d disappear.

But I forgot that my insides could not be still;

Even when I held my breath for minutes at a time

To prevent the steady rise and fall of my chest,

My heart kept beating, blood through my veins,

Stomach rumbling…everything like clockwork.

There is no way to be entirely still…

But that’s what I did-

I lay still whilst you did it,

Pretended to disappear.

But I couldn’t be still because you kept moving, moving, moving,

Inside of me like an invasion,

Like a weapon, like you were hurting,

Like you hurt me,

Like why did you hurt me?

Like why were you angry?

Like an awful disembodied object,

Like this could not be you, it couldn’t

Like this couldn’t be love, could it?

It was hard to stay still but I tried my best.

I was already so exhausted;

I couldn’t be angry, not like you were…

I loved you like my heart palpitations,

Probably more than that.

I loved you like splintered glass, dropped from a height,

Shards embedded everywhere, in every part of me,

I still find parts, sometimes;

So deep I hardly knew they were there.

The one thing I learnt from you is that it’s impossible to disappear.

Completely impossible.