Catholicism

Musik: Not Like You - Hannah Fury
Kleiden: Black skinny jeans and red and white checked blouse
Filme: RENT (Columbus)
Buchen: The Great Gatbsy by F.Scott Fitzgerald (yes, again)

Although at the age of five I apparently thought about it and informed my Mother that 'there is no God', I've always been fascinated by religion. I suppose it's to do with my interest in history, but also ritual and the fact that religion seems in some sense 'magical'. In particular the intricacy of Catholicism, with its many rites and traditions, makes rich pickings in literature.

I hope you'll understand, then, that I'm not using these latin phrases to be a pretentious twat, but to evoke the theme of Catholicism. This poem is called 'Ille dolet vere, que sine teste dolet' meaning 'That one suffers truly, who mourns without witness'. The phrase at the end of the poem can be translated as 'hell calls to hell'.

Ille dolet vere, que sine teste dolet

In reverence I stand;
Cross myself with Holy water,
Bow my head to Him;
My Father and my only light.
I drink his son’s blood with relish;
It is my poison of choice.
Watch as I drain it from his body…
Let it merge with my own.
Oh, I see that it is good!
I am addicted.
I simply cannot bring myself to cease
This heavenly feast.
My heart is pounding,
Head swirling and full of possibilities…
Yes, I can save you Children!
Please, allow me to save you all-
That’s all I want,
It’s what He wants.
I know; I can hear Him in my prayers,
Every single night as I kneel
And beg for forgiveness.
I sigh at each satisfying laceration,
As I strike the leather
Hard
Across my back,
Sighing as I feel a hot stream
Pouring its way down, down, down.
Now He knows that I am sorry,
So terribly sorry,
For all that I have done, all that I have sinned.
Bless me Father,
For I have truly sinned.
I am in love with another;
A sweet and beautiful other.
That I should be denied the joys of the flesh,
Yet long for them still,
Is enough sin for a life-time.
I can only long, long, long for forgiveness…
Heavenly Father!
As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep-
If He should still want
A soul as black as my own.
Perhaps the pious agony
I have endured will serve.
Perhaps my repentance shall be enough.
My soul, my soul, my soul
Must be saved;
For I fear nothing
If I do not fear a hell
Far greater than the hell
That I am already living!
Abyssus abyssum invocat.